The Dark Calling Out to You.

Years have passed, time have moved on further than you realised. 

People have changed, things are no longer the same. 

The ones whom you are missing, may never have once thought about you. 

The ones who have left you behind, are now happier than who they once were, as if rejoicing the fact that you were once such a heavy burden. 

They lied. Because time don't heal. Time only lessen those pains and make one forget. 

But when the night falls and you're all alone again, those flashes of past come back like nightmares that leave you in cold sweat, in fear, in pain. 

The fact is you know what has passed should not be held on to.
You know that no matter how much you are reminiscing over certain moments, you know they will never be the same and no one involved will ever come back.

What's broken can never be mend.
Why do people of the past have to make a footprint ?
If you have left long ago, why did you not bring ur presence together with you?
Even though it was years thereafter, the sudden footprints passed by with the collection of the hurts from the same old wounds.
Why do they not heal?
Why do they still hurt as much as how it was right from the start?
What must be done to make you all go away?

"It's okay to look back, but never hold back" 

人生之旅。

什么幸福之旅我不懂。　
提到人生之旅却让我感触良多。　

所谓快乐是什么？　
其实，人要快乐很简单。　
他们说只要你找到你喜欢的人，做你喜欢做的事，自然而然的，　你就会很快乐。
可是，有多少人能够真正的和心爱的人在一起？　
多少人能够真的做自己想要做的事？

人来人往，　多少你以为会一辈子呆在你身边的人，却半途中走了。　
连解释也没有，就这样一了百了，好聚好散。　
多少你以为是你想要做的，　却无意中发现你无能为力，　又或者根本不适合你。　

没错，　人生短暂。　
所以我们不该去在意别人一时无理的举动，　或去理会周围人的批评。　
可是有时你也无法不去在意一些事，　一些人。　
因为他们曾经是你生活中的一部分。　

有的时候，　你认为你做对了一些事，　但在别人的眼里却是错的。　
有的时候，　你以为你应该为你的一举一动，　所作所为而感到骄傲，　但总会有那么一些复杂的感触。　

如果当初你不确定， 就不要随意说可以。
如果不是真实的想法， 就不要直接答应， 让对方抱着希望。
因为一旦这样， 希望会从一人传到另一人， 到了最后， 做不到的时候，　要如何解释？　

有时想着想着，　觉得，　算了。　
反正我的心情永远不被在乎，　我的感受也只不过是多余的。　
只好这样，　把多余的感触收好，　埋伏在触碰不到的心底。　

这样好吗？这样对吗？
每天不断的寻找想要的答案， 却感觉永远也不会找到答案。
可能有些问号是注定要成为一辈子的谜题吧。

A Loss of Direction.

But what is it that really makes me happy?
Unsure if i'm contented with my current life, my current path, the people that makes up my life and the decisions I have made so far.
Am i walking towards the right target/direction?
Will I see what I really want afar if I walk just abit more longer and further?
And Will things go my way thereafter? 

I'm just... so lost. 

真心算什么？

因为我从来都不会说好听的话。
因为一点也不会拍人马匹， 所以不会说你想要听的话。
喜欢就喜欢，　不喜欢也会表现得很不喜欢。
一直以来， 都太坦诚， 太讨厌虚伪， 所以一点也不喜欢和虚伪的人相处。
只要觉得是如此， 就会直接把心里话说出来，
即使会伤害到别人还是想说对他们坦诚是为了他们好。
不是每个人都会用诚心对待你，
只有在乎的人才会和你坦白。

可是原来我错了。
坦诚不会让他们学会什么， 只会让他们觉得你是残酷无情的。
在这世上虚伪的人太多了， 坦诚算什么？
最终胜利得逞的， 不会是坦诚的人而是虚情假意的人。
因为他们懂得何时用虚伪来换取别人对他们的信任。
因为伪装得太好， 所以不是每个人都能看得出他们的虚伪。
你说，到底什么是 - 用真心对待人？

This Time, It Is For Real.

How many times have your words pricked and pierced right through my heart ? 

How many times you have shown your true feelings towards someone so dear like me ? 

How many times you have tried to make me feeling like i'm the worst person on earth ? 

And how many times have you really bother to understand me? 

不说， 你就把一切当理所当然，
不说， 你就以为我没有感受，
不说， 就代表不在乎， 不痛了吗？

一直以来，　坚强的活着到底是为了什么，　为了谁？　
每当有事发生，　我总是一个人，一个人承受一切，　一个人解决，　
一个人的让你以为我一点也不疲惫，　一点也不悲伤。　
在别人面前总是表现得不在乎，　
却让你以为我内心真的很坚强。　

不说是因为你不懂。
不说是因为你不会感受到那种同样的痛，　
不说是因为最终，　错的永远都是我。　

因为你永远都不曾试着了解我。　
从小到大，　你到底了解我多少？
在你眼里， 我永远都是那么糟糕的人 。
你当初又何必把我带来这里？

今后的我，　不会在为别人着了。　

因为好心总不会有好报。　
以后你爱说什么就说什么，　爱作什么就作什么吧。　
因为累了，　因为伤透了，　所以我已不在乎了。　

Teach Me How Not to Feel.

I wished God has invented an on-off button for feelings. 

So that I can choose when or when not to feel. 

Credits: Tumblr

Caged & Poisoned.

Credits: Tumblr

"And when time slowed down to allow some thoughts,
 The emptiness start to refill by itself once again,
 To make certainty become doubtfulness,
 Strong as what was promised,
 But then again, ashamed of how tears patronise the mind.
It's never wrong to let them out,
But how often should that be, if you are always hanging on so steadily.
And who, in this world, are real? " 

A Different Prospect.

"I've always believe that someday hardwork pays off.

  Yet, when the results start to surface and affirmed, 

  I felt like a bird without its wings, 

  No direction as to where to fly, or how to fly. 

  Sometimes I wonder, what really matter to me most? "

The After-Play of Emotions.

Emotions, something that can be tamed, something that can be so fragile.
Sometimes, your emotions take over your mind and you act impulsive.
Sometimes you managed to control those mountains of emotions and let the day go by.
Till the very next day when you are awake, you find yourself struggling with the many different emotions within again.

You know what, life sucks.
Because there are so many things that kept you worrying, so many things that made those brows of yours frown and so many things that you wanted to forget and let go umpteen times but the emotions play you so hard that it just kept coming back. 

How did they manage to change so much, play you out and turned devil on you? 

No reason, no explanation, no words said. 

They just leave you hanging like you never meant a shit to them at all or before,
and what's the most fucked up is they make it look so easy and moved on. 

No one ever taught me the reality of life.
At the age, too young, I was just thrown into the realistic world to walk barefoot, myself. 

Not even a chance to learn how to crawl, and I was forced to stand up straight and walk the journey on my own. 

I've always thought I could bother less, come back stronger and control those attacking emotions well.
But eventually, the sight of everything just disgust me big time. 

Knowing how you need to succumb to the situation,
Surrounded by a world of fakeness and blinded by darkness,
I don't know how long I can have the drive, have the energy and the strength to survive on. 

The aftermath of repeated attacks. 

Quiet Time Alone.

"Sometimes, what we need is some quiet time alone, to bring back the once livelier person in you." 

And me?
I spent the few hours alone, walking aimlessly,
trying to fit a good reason why I felt that way and what has impacted me so much. 

Eventually, answers don't come appearing vividly.
All I know is somewhere, somehow, hurts that bad. 

My therapy of spending time, alone. 

Trust.

Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller & smaller after every mistakes made. 

Something that is so fragile and gets toppled easily. 

Credits: Tumblr.

Fall & Stand Up Again.

"Life comprises of ups & downs."
And when you get too depressed when things have fallen apart, don't get too grieved for far too long.
Because those who truly care will worry and those who have hurt you will feel you as a straight loser.
They can't wait to see how hurt you will be and how devastated you will become. 

And if you continue living in the world of being hopeless and get drowned by those unnecessary emotions,
 it will only give them an opportunity to move on further than you . 

It will only make you look like a fool, a clown whom totally amuse them in the wrong manner.

So what if it all started with a bond, a relation, a friendship?
The moment when people have chosen to take a path which you least expect, and backstabbed you,
you should have known that such a person was just living in his/her world of facade,
treating every individual with only nothing but fakeness.
They masked themselves infront of others to first gain some care and concern and,
later on, when they have found new counterparts to depend on,
they use those mean tactics against you to show you their true colours. 

The moment when things turned awkward and ugly, was the time when I tell myself,
Such a jerk ain't worth it to be my friend. 

Indeed I was grieved over the matter because he was a person whom I trusted, knew long enough than any others, and see as a good friend to-be. 

I don't deny it affected me not only a little, but much to the extent I have wanted to do something more just to make myself appeased.

Confrontations are what I have always believe in.
I never liked the idea of people talking behind each other back because if I was the victim,
I would opt for confrontation.
If you have a problem with me, or any areas that you may have felt dismay with me,
Confront me face-to-face, come straight to the point and just comment infront of me, not behind my back.

Cowards like them did not dare to do so and upon confronting them myself,
all they could say was remarks that eventually made them pathetic people. 

I am the sort who will become very affected when something related to me happened,
Because I have a heart unless those who didn't have one that is purely made of authenticity. 

But then again, after being affected, I am the sort who can still stand up strong, not pretending that nothing has happened like what they are doing now but become a stronger me to do the right things.

I am not gonna pretend that nothing has happened.
Neither Am I going to forgive and forget.
What has happened has allowed me to see through the real side of them all. 

I don't really bother if it's a joint affair or whoever else are involved as accomplices.
So long I do my duties well enough,
I will outshine these jerks in terms of a better attitude, a better character and a better future. 

And if you ever think that time can heal the wound in me,
And I will probably treat you both better someday,
Then you both gotta be so wrong.
Because that will never ever happen. 

I've always believed that karma exists.
For such people who have hurt me, watch your back.
Because heaven knows it all. 

And thank you for making me come back, far stronger than before.

And don't you regret one day for what I am today because all your single actions shaped the outcome of what it gonna be for the rest of your life. 

 - Credits to Tumblr. 

Kiss The Rain - Yiruma

Nothing could explain your inner-felt feelings.
The level of tiredness injected upon due to the many variations of causes.
The kind of tasks you deal with that were never really good enough to prove your worth.
The type of people you meet that simply ain't for you to relate any words of trust.
Betrayed, yet again.
Lessons learnt, friendship broken, tensed atmosphere, life still move on.
But you will never be forgiven....
Never to trust anyone so easily again.

人生的路。

人生的路总是断断续续， 有的时候一帆风顺，有的时候风暴连连，很难预测何时是平静的大海，何时是大风大浪。

因为人生不会提任何人着想，所以它永远都那么冷酷无情， 让你自己去找解决方案。
即使选错了方向，迷失了路，别人的人生也不会有所改变。
人生常常蒙蔽他人的眼， 看不见被伤透的心，听不见有口难言的心声。

或许你努力过了，或许你很幸苦，又或许你已到了极限，累了，也不会有所改变。
只是一个普通的人， 却令人要求的要像超人。
明明有血有肉，他人却认为她一定不会痛不会累。

如果有更多的时间，她宁愿花在身边的人。
如果有更多的金钱，她宁愿花点小钱在别人身上。
如果有更多的体力，你们要的陪伴，都无所谓。

为什么就算再努力也没人看见？
为什么痛的时候却要含着泪水，静静的走到没人的地方才大声地哭泣？
为什么没人了解一个人看守那么多人的心情会是如何？

会有那么一天，她会悄悄地离去。
不会再带给任何人困扰，不会再有人因她而感到厌倦，疲惫。　

对再世的人，她是一个负担。
对过世的人，她只是岑经的回忆。　

7/7/2012,
不被他人为傲的人上。

Mid-Week.

It's gonna be mid-week tomorrow and I have no more oil to burn, no more strength to move and no more cells to think.

It's gonna be exams next week and I have yet to revise on anything except one chapter.

OH GOD! SOS PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been far too long since I cried. 

I wished I still remember how to, how to just let go and burst out the cries in me. 

Yet so suppressed within now, I can only bottle those feelings and pile them up like a mountain. 

I don't know when it will explode and cause a wreck that is difficult to cease. 

I don't know where I can find the extra strength to put myself into a piece again. 

I feel like everything's falling apart and I have no clue as to when the shelter's will be gone and I will be all drenched by the upcoming downpour. 

I feel tired, so tired physically and mentally. 

What have we all been fighting so hard for? 

---

Two-Faced.

-Credits to Deviantart & Tumblr-

Felt lucky because of the possession of good observations skills, 

that results in the ability to see through hearts.

Good or bad, with intentions or purely innocent,

Never once got away with the eyes. 

Life is made up of many two-faced people around.

Infront of you, they agree with all your pointers and are portrayed as an angelic figurine.

Behind your back, they use needles to prick and got you hurt.

He who covers and keep mum about the whole incident.

She who lies and uses the bad of others to get away with the situation.

Actions speak louder than words.

What was done can never revert back the initial image nor attitude one see in you.

Think again before you do anything, for people are watching....

知人知面不知心， 双面藏起你知心。

人在做，天在看。

是好是坏，一眼了。

Will Never Be The Best.

You didn't have to plead for I initiate the question in the first place.
You didn't have to arrange for I have become the middleman to stitch up every occasions.
You didn't have to feel inferior because I bought the bestest for you.
You didn't have to worry because you didn't have to face those rebellions for the years back then not the future years to come, because you have someone completely different from the others.
You didn't have to fear of bullies because you have someone who will always be there to stand up for you in whatever circumstances it may be.
A girl but like a man of the house, the youngest but like the pillar of them all.
Who would have been that matured to filter the happenings and settle irregardless feelings all by herself just cause she didn't want any worries to occur?
Who would have been so thoughtful to always make time for you, save and buy the bestest for you, listen to your sorrows and support you mentally even if you may not be on the right track, performing the right decision?

Eventually, all efforts reduced to become wastes.
Eventually, you never once felt proud, happy or blessed.
Maybe it's just so difficult to be your best.
Maybe that someone can never be of your fame.

I sincerely hoped that in your next life if there were to be, you wouldn't have to meet that someone anymore.
Maybe then you will be happier, maybe then you will always feel like you have all the best.
I have done enough, I have had enough.
It's okay if you do not feel happy, It's okay if all my efforts have just been rubbish. It's okay if there were not a single appreciation from anyone single one.

I have never once felt so lethargic, so unworthy.
You taught me how unthoughtful I should be.

In future, I'm not gonna do more.
Never gonna be....
I will never gonna be the best and so be it...

Drained Max.

Too tired to continue the battle.
Drained, super drained. 

I hope the long weekend due to the public holiday will heal the tiredness in me. 

When Your Things Get Missing.

I'm always like that.
Losing this and losing that.
Remembering it only after some time I have stopped using it.
What were the brains thinking?
Why did I put that anklet in the coin compartment of the wallet?
I must have dropped it somewhere while I took the notes or coins out.
And now it's gone.
I can never find it anywhere anymore.
Not in the wallet, not in those bags, neither is it at home, hiding at some corner.

I feel upset because I lost something which I have been wearing almost everyday since I had it.
I feel heartache because It was something I bought for myself as a form of reward using my hard-earned money.
It doesn't come cheap, and so the more I feel I am a retard.

I'm forever like this....

Whoever has it in your hands now, you're lucky and I hope it fits you real well.

Perhaps, whatever doesn't belong to you in the first place will never be yours.
Perhaps, no matter how hard you tried, it will never meant to be...